Fed Up and Sorry: Owning My Shit, Even If You Never Forgive Me

And that is ok.

Sometimes, we need to get it out. And sometimes to heal, we have to apologize for the things we’ve done. Even if it’s someone who will never accept the apology. Or from someone who needs to apologize to you but has yet to do so. Regardless, apologizing isn’t always about them, sometimes it’s about you.

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These Journal Entries are the first thoughts out of my brain. They are feelings that hold no real weight, just word vomits that I can’t hold in. Please know that I am sharing this with you all in hopes of helping one of ya’ll feel less alone in whatever crazy train you are on. All I ask in return for this article is your utmost respect in understanding that there will be no shit commenting, arguing, or threats.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry I didn't talk to you sooner. I'm so so fucking sorry I hurt you. I know you may never forgive me. And I understand that.

I fucked up so much. None of what happened should've happened. And I'm so sorry. I miss talking to you and having you as a friend. But I understand that you will probably never want to have any other relationship with me outside of me being our children's mother.

I've spent the last 2 years working so hard on myself. And I just wanted to apologize. For the lying. For not talking to you. For hurting you. For not speaking up when I was struggling. For not being able to see it from your perspective. For not even giving you a chance.

I was so wrapped up in myself and how I was hurting and struggling and just not fucking ok. I hadn’t been ok since before Lily. And it just got worse from there. I'm sorry I never told you how bad my mental health was. I'm sorry I didn't work on myself sooner. I pray to the fucking universe that one day you will forgive me. But I've made peace with the fact that you may never. I just need you to know I'm so sorry.

No one knew anything. I lied to everyone. Even fucking Katie my best gd friend. She didn't know either, and she knew everything else about me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the continuous sexual assaults that happened to me during my senior year of high school. Had I talked to you about it, things probably would be very different with my mental health.

I'm sorry I spent most of our marriage afraid to talk and afraid to battle my demons inside of me. I don't know if you care or not but I regret all the ways I treated you and spoke to you and the things I said when everything was falling apart. I was unhappy and I didn't tell you that. I'm sorry if I made you question so many things. I'm open to answering any questions you might have. I was so angry with you for so long. But I failed to look in the mirror and see that I played a very very large role in the fall of our marriage. I hope you have found peace and happiness. I'm ok. Not that you probably care. But I am ok.

Yes, I know, that not everything was my fault. There were so many problems in our relationship that were going to take years to unravel. But I do know that to heal, I have to forgive myself for the shitty things I did. For the shitty things I said, and for the shitty ways I acted. There are many people in line for an apology from me and I hope that when you read this, you can understand that you can hurt and be hurt at the same time, and acknowledging that does NOT make you a bad person. And finally, forgive yourself for whatever that may be.

All my Love,

Taylor Cecelia Brook

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