The Chaos Chronicles with Taylor Cecelia Brook
The Curiosity Chronicles
Queer Safe Spaces, Being Our Most Authentic Selves, and Boomer Americanism.
1ร—
0:00
Current time: 0:00 / Total time: -55:07
-55:07

Queer Safe Spaces, Being Our Most Authentic Selves, and Boomer Americanism.

With the glittery SnowflakeAngelButterfly

You can find everything about Andrew here :)

(00:00:03):

And we are back.

(00:00:05):

This is Taylor with the Curiosity Chronicles.

(00:00:09):

And I am here today with a wonderful, wonderful human.

(00:00:14):

I have Andrew on the podcast today from Substack.

(00:00:20):

And your Substack is great.

(00:00:23):

Is it Sparkle Angel Butterfly or Angel Sparkle Butterfly?

(00:00:25):

No, it's like Angel Butterfly.

(00:00:27):

No, it's like Angel Butterfly.

(00:00:28):

There we go.

(00:00:29):

I was like, I had it memorized at one point.

(00:00:32):

It was like this first string of words that came to me.

(00:00:35):

You know what, though?

(00:00:37):

I fucking love that.

(00:00:38):

My Substack has had like five different names at this point.

(00:00:44):

So,

(00:00:44):

Andrew,

(00:00:45):

I would love if you would tell our listeners just a little bit about you and how you,

(00:00:52):

like,

(00:00:53):

got to know me,

(00:00:53):

how you found me,

(00:00:54):

how you met me,

(00:00:55):

and just,

(00:00:55):

like,

(00:00:56):

what your purpose of your Substack is for those non-Substack users out there.

(00:01:00):

Okay, great.

(00:01:02):

Yeah, my name's Andrew.

(00:01:03):

As we said, I have a Substack Snowflake Angel Butterfly.

(00:01:07):

I started it beginning of August.

(00:01:11):

And yeah,

(00:01:11):

I basically started it because in July I came out as non-binary and I'd already

(00:01:18):

come out as bisexual,

(00:01:19):

but everyone was like still assuming that I was straight and like referring me as

(00:01:23):

straight and stuff.

(00:01:24):

I was like, I need to like come out, you know?

(00:01:29):

like i'm finding myself in these situations where i'm like trying to express you

(00:01:34):

know it's like i would just mention you know i was kind of constantly surrounded by

(00:01:37):

these like super cis heteronormative men and i would just mention that i had read

(00:01:42):

some novel by emily henry or something and they'd look at me like i was just a

(00:01:47):

freak but the problem was it wasn't just emily henry it was like all these things

(00:01:51):

that i was constantly not allowed to mention without people being like alarmed

(00:01:56):

um and yeah i wasn't just that so many things obviously over like the course of a

(00:02:00):

few years like actually the post that i wrote that really describes like a lot of

(00:02:05):

how i came to this transformation was last night and it's called uh phoebe bridgers

(00:02:10):

and the music that blossomed my queerness and i really feel like music was so

(00:02:14):

essential but either way

(00:02:16):

At the end of July,

(00:02:17):

people were telling me like,

(00:02:18):

you know,

(00:02:19):

you're mentally ill,

(00:02:21):

you're spending too much time on the internet.

(00:02:24):

And my friend who, this guy like, who had claimed to be my best friend for like 17 years.

(00:02:32):

And I think he's like a bizarre case study of a man because literally like we read

(00:02:37):

tarot together,

(00:02:38):

we watched Buffy together,

(00:02:39):

we had matching Buffy shirts,

(00:02:40):

we went to see Haim,

(00:02:41):

we went to see Phoebe.

(00:02:43):

Um, that's not even, that doesn't even do justice to the list of things we did together.

(00:02:48):

And then as soon as I just want to buy like a pink boy genius shirt,

(00:02:51):

he's just like,

(00:02:52):

dude,

(00:02:52):

you cannot do that.

(00:02:53):

You cannot do that.

(00:02:54):

So I just needed to express myself and that angel butterfly emerged.

(00:02:59):

I was so sick of people telling me that I was faking or that I wasn't being me.

(00:03:04):

And I just started this blog.

(00:03:06):

The blog has in some ways made things worse.

(00:03:08):

Like a lot of people are like really freaked out.

(00:03:10):

They.

(00:03:12):

Like these men who are like online,

(00:03:13):

like sharing memes about how their entire emotional state is determined by college football.

(00:03:19):

Oh my goodness, that's so annoying.

(00:03:21):

Saying that I need to be like institutionalized because I'm wearing bracelets or whatever.

(00:03:25):

So I just find it so absurd.

(00:03:27):

But yeah, that's basically the story behind my blog.

(00:03:31):

Well,

(00:03:32):

hey,

(00:03:33):

I am not only proud of you for starting this journey,

(00:03:37):

but for doing it in such a vulnerable way.

(00:03:39):

You're really pioneering spaces for younger kids.

(00:03:44):

And that is really, you know...

(00:03:47):

really important because I think you know one of the things I really like about you

(00:03:52):

is just your whole look and your energy you know like to me you really embody what

(00:03:58):

like a non-binary person is really trying to express themselves as and I think a

(00:04:04):

lot of younger kids are really confused about how to where to even fit in all of

(00:04:08):

this and so just having people

(00:04:11):

That's why I love Substack is there's just so many different people out there.

(00:04:14):

And that is what we need.

(00:04:17):

You know, you needed a kid as a kid.

(00:04:20):

You needed,

(00:04:21):

you know,

(00:04:22):

a teenager,

(00:04:22):

an adult who could have shown you these things or at least given you a space to.

(00:04:27):

learn and read about them you know when i was in my 20s i would have killed for

(00:04:33):

someone who thinks about their body the way i do who you know has gone through the

(00:04:37):

trauma that i've gone through i would have killed to have someone just to lean on

(00:04:42):

or read simply to have a soulless and you're providing that and i really think

(00:04:47):

that's awesome thank you i really appreciate that i oh and i forgot to answer

(00:04:52):

before i build on that i forgot to say how i met you oh i feel like i have to

(00:04:57):

algorithm somehow like i feel like i don't even know who found his sub stack first

(00:05:01):

somebody commented on somebody's and we were messaging and yeah i read a bunch of

(00:05:07):

your posts like it starts like when you're like six five seven years old yeah

(00:05:12):

they're so terrible too literally sitting on the porch just like reading reading

(00:05:18):

your blog for like an hour like last the other saturday so

(00:05:23):

I enjoy it.

(00:05:23):

And like you also have struggled with a lot of the same kind of identity issues that I have.

(00:05:28):

So like you say,

(00:05:29):

like finding people on Substack,

(00:05:30):

like you're definitely also one of those writers that I'm so grateful to be able to add,

(00:05:35):

relate to.

(00:05:36):

So yeah, thank you.

(00:05:37):

That's like the sweetest fucking compliment.

(00:05:40):

Thank you.

(00:05:40):

That's just all, that's all I want.

(00:05:42):

I want people to have a space where they can feel safe.

(00:05:45):

Like, you know, and their, their space might not be my space, but I want them to have a space.

(00:05:52):

So let me help you find that space wherever it is.

(00:05:56):

For sure.

(00:05:57):

Yeah.

(00:05:58):

You had also mentioned like kids out there.

(00:06:00):

And I think about like another post I wrote that,

(00:06:05):

this,

(00:06:05):

my choice at 16,

(00:06:07):

stop masturbating or burn in hell,

(00:06:09):

which basically like I,

(00:06:11):

it's honestly,

(00:06:11):

to me,

(00:06:12):

it's insane that I came to this point because I was raised like completely

(00:06:16):

fundamentalist Christian.

(00:06:18):

I thought I was going to go to hell for masturbating.

(00:06:23):

I cut out all my friends from my life because I thought they were like dragging me down into sin.

(00:06:29):

And I was just terrified all the time.

(00:06:34):

I just like honestly in the long run like it's being exposed to other people and

(00:06:40):

other ideas that helps me break out of that it takes a long time but I would say

(00:06:45):

like any kid out there who's like 16,

(00:06:47):

15 who seems like they're just a hopeless lost cause like crazy conservative like

(00:06:52):

they're not that they're they can change and they can change I'm proof of it I've

(00:06:59):

changed and even my parents who

(00:07:02):

come across as really awful people in that post.

(00:07:04):

Like they're completely different now than they are in that post.

(00:07:08):

People can change.

(00:07:09):

I truly believe that.

(00:07:10):

It doesn't mean you have to let them be around you while they're dealing with their shit.

(00:07:15):

I'm really happy that I was able to share that experience.

(00:07:19):

I've been trying to write it for so long and I finally figured out how to write it.

(00:07:24):

And I'm so glad that like, there's maybe some kid out there who will read it and feel like,

(00:07:30):

maybe they'll just see the madness of like what they're being put through.

(00:07:33):

I don't know, you know, or it'll help them think through identity, you know?

(00:07:37):

Yeah.

(00:07:38):

No.

(00:07:38):

And I'm thinking you're you think you, you said,

(00:07:41):

know somehow maybe they'll find it and i'm thinking if you're using tags like

(00:07:46):

they're gonna find it if they're google searching something and you you know gender

(00:07:51):

queerness like questioning gender identity like anything like that that stuff will

(00:07:55):

start popping up because it's you know substack is getting bigger and bigger and

(00:07:59):

bigger and it's so it's ranking higher and higher in the google searches so like

(00:08:04):

those kids are gonna find you and it's just

(00:08:07):

Oh, I would have loved to have someone tell me that, you know, when I was like 18, 19.

(00:08:14):

Oh, by the way, just because you like girls does not mean you're going to go to hell.

(00:08:19):

Yeah.

(00:08:20):

Yeah.

(00:08:21):

I, it's amazing.

(00:08:22):

I mean, there's kids who are growing up all over the country.

(00:08:25):

Like single adult in their life is telling them they're going to go to hell.

(00:08:30):

I know.

(00:08:30):

Isn't it awful?

(00:08:31):

Or if they don't act like a,

(00:08:34):

perfect girl or a perfect boy they're gonna go to hell like this is being told to

(00:08:38):

kids for years and years and years and it's just seen as like a normal thing like i

(00:08:44):

you probably you maybe you have seen some references to my i actually already

(00:08:49):

mentioned it when we were talking my friend my self-declined best friend like yeah

(00:08:54):

the case study of of a man basically like

(00:08:57):

He,

(00:09:00):

you know,

(00:09:00):

he literally just lets,

(00:09:02):

he just in the name of family peace,

(00:09:04):

like he's not,

(00:09:04):

he's an atheist and he lets his son be taught by the grandparents at this crazy ass

(00:09:10):

church that he's gonna burn in hell and his son is terrified.

(00:09:14):

And he's just like, it's not a big deal.

(00:09:16):

You know, you have to find a way to make it work with

(00:09:19):

the family and it's just like your son is scared of hell and you don't even care

(00:09:24):

because you think that you need to comply with these family rules basically that

(00:09:31):

are just made up so that these grandparents can terrify your son like

(00:09:37):

It's just like,

(00:09:39):

when I think about him,

(00:09:40):

I just,

(00:09:40):

and all the like external things that we did together,

(00:09:43):

like the button,

(00:09:44):

tarot,

(00:09:45):

it's like,

(00:09:46):

and him looking at his son scared of hell and thinking,

(00:09:48):

I'm just gonna let this keep happening.

(00:09:50):

It's like, you don't see feelings, you just see things.

(00:09:56):

Yeah, yeah, that's so true because that's kind of how my parents are.

(00:10:05):

So both my parents were raised fairly religious,

(00:10:09):

my dad more so than my mom,

(00:10:11):

but neither of them really had favorable feelings about the church after.

(00:10:17):

Um,

(00:10:18):

but for some reason they thought it was a good idea to just let the grandparents

(00:10:23):

take me to church all the time.

(00:10:25):

Yeah.

(00:10:26):

Just let them have full authority over your.

(00:10:28):

Yeah.

(00:10:29):

And like my mom went to a private Catholic high school.

(00:10:32):

She knows how insane.

(00:10:33):

like her beliefs on religion and a higher creator are wild because of all the

(00:10:40):

different like religions she's experienced from methodist to catholicism like

(00:10:45):

everything in between um but they were both still like yeah that that's a good

(00:10:50):

thing to send our daughter off to do right like it's the yeah that's like the other

(00:10:56):

thing it's like

(00:10:57):

you know,

(00:10:58):

then you have kids and,

(00:10:59):

you know,

(00:10:59):

they're like,

(00:11:00):

I feel like when you have kids,

(00:11:01):

it's like,

(00:11:02):

you know,

(00:11:02):

I have a 15 month old son.

(00:11:04):

I feel like when you have kids,

(00:11:05):

it's like these older people,

(00:11:07):

they're like,

(00:11:07):

this is,

(00:11:08):

you know,

(00:11:08):

you've kind of like,

(00:11:10):

it's kind of like an Amish person or like a year and do whatever they want.

(00:11:15):

It's like in your 20s, you know, you do whatever you want.

(00:11:17):

You're like an Amish person.

(00:11:19):

Yeah.

(00:11:21):

And then you come back in your thirties,

(00:11:22):

you have kids and now they're like,

(00:11:25):

okay,

(00:11:25):

now you're gonna baptize your kids and you're gonna tell you,

(00:11:27):

and you're gonna,

(00:11:28):

you're gonna,

(00:11:29):

you're gonna join.

(00:11:30):

Don't you want, like, don't you want that community we gave you as a child?

(00:11:34):

No, I don't.

(00:11:36):

Like not.

(00:11:39):

So also like having a son for me, it was like,

(00:11:42):

i need to be my authentic self because if i'm not and i'm in this it's because it's

(00:11:46):

not just like now it's not just like oh i'm uncomfortable because i present as a

(00:11:51):

cishet man and people react weird when i talk about the things i like it's not just

(00:11:56):

that now it's like if i continue to pretend to be a cishet man like basically i'm

(00:12:02):

just gonna end up being incorporated into this scheme to like

(00:12:06):

turn my son into another man like yeah man who doesn't say i love you a man who

(00:12:12):

doesn't hug anyone a man who just shakes hands and a man who just such bullshit

(00:12:18):

Yeah.

(00:12:20):

It's so frustrating because there's this whole generation where they think that

(00:12:26):

it's culturally appropriate to just shut everything down in a man.

(00:12:31):

And the only thing men are supposed to do is provide and exist.

(00:12:35):

Yeah.

(00:12:37):

I just, I don't know very many men my age that are okay with that.

(00:12:41):

Even if they are like a really,

(00:12:44):

you know,

(00:12:45):

cis heterosexual man,

(00:12:46):

a lot of them still aren't okay with this.

(00:12:49):

Like, that's all you do, you know?

(00:12:52):

And I love that that's changing.

(00:12:56):

And I love that you finally chose to because of your son.

(00:12:59):

And it's so, so cool.

(00:13:01):

Cause I literally was like,

(00:13:03):

my daughter was my last straw when I realized I needed to get out of my marriage

(00:13:06):

because I was like,

(00:13:07):

she can't grow up with a mom who's unhappy with a mom who doesn't know how to stand

(00:13:13):

up for herself.

(00:13:14):

Like my daughter already struggles with standing up for herself and being assertive.

(00:13:19):

Like I need to be able to demonstrate that for her.

(00:13:22):

And I wasn't.

(00:13:24):

And so I,

(00:13:25):

You know, the exact same thing.

(00:13:26):

I don't care who she becomes or what she does,

(00:13:29):

you know,

(00:13:30):

as long as she's not murdering people,

(00:13:32):

like she can do whatever she wants.

(00:13:34):

Right.

(00:13:35):

But I want to be my most authentic self for her so she can learn how to be her most authentic self.

(00:13:41):

I think that's so, I love that you said that.

(00:13:44):

That is exactly the conclusion I came to.

(00:13:47):

It's like, I have to be my authentic self.

(00:13:50):

I have to be comfortable.

(00:13:52):

I remember, because my social anxiety before I came out was so extreme.

(00:13:57):

And it's honestly incredible.

(00:13:59):

Anyone out there who's struggling with identity and also social anxiety, I have other issues.

(00:14:05):

I have PTSD that's medicated and things like that.

(00:14:08):

my social anxiety was still there even with my medication before I came home.

(00:14:12):

And literally,

(00:14:13):

once I started walking outside and just knowing this is me,

(00:14:16):

I am presenting as myself,

(00:14:17):

like I felt so much more comfortable.

(00:14:19):

But what made me want to take, like overcome that social anxiety was just what you said.

(00:14:27):

It was my son.

(00:14:28):

And I remember I saw this meme.

(00:14:29):

I saw this meme that was like, or no, it wasn't a meme.

(00:14:34):

I think I was just, you know, you're like, same way that you're online Googling if you have somebody...

(00:14:40):

I was only Googling like sources of social anxiety or something like that.

(00:14:45):

And I found this, there's like, one of the causes is modeling social anxiety, modeling it for your kid.

(00:14:52):

If your kid observes you behaving anxiously in social situations,

(00:14:57):

you're basically communicating to your child that

(00:15:00):

it's social situations are scary social situations are dangerous and they kind of

(00:15:05):

internalize that because they notice that when you're not with strangers you act

(00:15:09):

like yourself you act happy and then when you go out into the world with your kids

(00:15:13):

suddenly you're this anxious person so your kid thinks you know the world is scary

(00:15:18):

and that really freaked me out i'm like i do not so i was just like i have to i

(00:15:23):

have to be myself yeah maybe in these situations where someone's like

(00:15:29):

saying these things,

(00:15:30):

looking at my son and saying like,

(00:15:33):

oh,

(00:15:35):

you're a boy and therefore,

(00:15:36):

you know,

(00:15:37):

the whole fucking alphabet and beyond.

(00:15:39):

And I'm just standing there because I'm too scared to express myself.

(00:15:42):

Like now I'm expressing myself.

(00:15:44):

And that was also the purpose behind the blog of like saying, this is me.

(00:15:48):

Yeah.

(00:15:51):

You know,

(00:15:52):

there's people who think that I like my friend told me like that I was behaving

(00:15:56):

inappropriately for a father,

(00:15:58):

which just makes me a lot of parents.

(00:16:01):

They don't think like you just said, they don't think they need to be authentic.

(00:16:03):

They just think they need to like implement certain procedures.

(00:16:07):

It's not what parenting is.

(00:16:10):

Yeah.

(00:16:11):

So implementing certain procedures is what teachers are for.

(00:16:14):

Yeah.

(00:16:16):

Right.

(00:16:18):

So it's,

(00:16:20):

I don't know,

(00:16:21):

it's been so eye-opening the last like two months,

(00:16:24):

the way I feel like in my life there's just been,

(00:16:26):

I keep thinking about like when I was a kid,

(00:16:29):

I was used to envision like the final judgment when Jesus would just like send all

(00:16:33):

the sinners to the left and send all the

(00:16:36):

Righteous to the right.

(00:16:37):

And I feel like I'm almost at this final judgment and I'm just being myself.

(00:16:42):

And some people are just like, ew, you know, you know, like horrified.

(00:16:47):

And like Substack's an example of how I've like you,

(00:16:51):

for example,

(00:16:51):

like I've met so many people who are inspired by my writing and encouraging me.

(00:16:55):

I've met so many other writers who like I have grown as a writer on Substack because

(00:17:01):

Like I've seen how other writers integrate aesthetics into their posts.

(00:17:05):

I see play around with different topics and it's made me realize there's basically

(00:17:09):

no structure that I have to follow at all.

(00:17:12):

And that is one of my most favorite parts because I don't know if you've gathered this about me.

(00:17:18):

I don't like stupid rules.

(00:17:22):

Like if it doesn't make sense, I don't want to fucking do it.

(00:17:26):

I don't care what you said.

(00:17:27):

Like this isn't logical.

(00:17:28):

There's no connection to why we have to do this.

(00:17:31):

so like sub stack there are no rules and i love that so much and they wanted it to

(00:17:37):

be that way they wanted a place for people to have authentic conversations like

(00:17:43):

this without fear of being ridiculed or shut down or doxxed or you know all the

(00:17:49):

things that happen to people on the internet yeah and it's it is it's amazing it's

(00:17:54):

like this free place and

(00:17:57):

I feel like there's just the trolls are just kind of kept away.

(00:18:01):

Like if I were to go on Substack and post some trolling posts for a week,

(00:18:07):

I would just lose subscribers and nobody would like posts and I would just recede

(00:18:11):

into nothingness.

(00:18:12):

Like it's not like Twitter where you're like going like wildfire because you're

(00:18:17):

posting some crazy ass shit just to piss someone off.

(00:18:21):

But there's still funny stuff on there like,

(00:18:24):

I don't know if you follow Corey Banana, but she's always posting these hilarious notes.

(00:18:29):

No, but I'm going to write that down so I can go follow her.

(00:18:31):

She posted a note that was talking about this guy who was into her.

(00:18:36):

And I guess this guy sent her a text correcting the form of your that she used,

(00:18:42):

saying,

(00:18:42):

aren't you an author?

(00:18:43):

Aren't you a writer?

(00:18:44):

Oh, I would punch him in the fucking face.

(00:18:47):

Yeah, typical man.

(00:18:49):

Writing, it's like we were just talking about.

(00:18:51):

writing is best when there's no rules for this man writing isn't about expression

(00:18:56):

and it's not about feelings writing is about like compliance with showing how well

(00:19:02):

you can comply with technical management sorry and that's what school's for like i

(00:19:10):

know like i it's but i started realizing like when i was like in the months before

(00:19:16):

i was coming out i was talking to

(00:19:19):

I feel like boomers have just lost their minds on a new level recently,

(00:19:24):

especially when it comes to trans people.

(00:19:26):

They just are not able to process what's happening somehow.

(00:19:32):

Well, my best friend actually- No, not all boomers.

(00:19:38):

Boomer is not an age, by the way.

(00:19:39):

Boomer is a cultural phenomenon.

(00:19:43):

My friend who was 35, I realized he actually is a boomer.

(00:19:48):

Yeah, they're... It's a culture.

(00:19:50):

It's not like a... It's so different from millennials because you have, like... Like, I...

(00:19:58):

I'm a basic white bitch millennial.

(00:20:00):

You know, like that's different from, you know, someone else.

(00:20:06):

And so,

(00:20:07):

but my best friend was saying that she thinks that the boomers are so psychotic,

(00:20:11):

like a good majority of them is because of all of the lead they were exposed to.

(00:20:15):

Oh, a hundred percent.

(00:20:16):

I've read about this too.

(00:20:18):

You know, lead poisoning, it, it decreases your empathy too.

(00:20:22):

And your intelligence.

(00:20:24):

Yeah.

(00:20:26):

And that's what I realized is like, they actually believe that words are real things.

(00:20:31):

Like they don't, they don't understand.

(00:20:33):

They literally don't understand.

(00:20:35):

Words are just made up to describe things we see that we know for sure what we're

(00:20:40):

actually looking at because.

(00:20:42):

Yeah.

(00:20:43):

We can't see anything from outside our senses.

(00:20:45):

So we call things things.

(00:20:47):

We say that's a man, that's a woman.

(00:20:49):

Yeah.

(00:20:49):

Everything's just made up.

(00:20:52):

You know,

(00:20:53):

these boomers in my family,

(00:20:54):

they just,

(00:20:55):

they,

(00:20:56):

like I mentioned,

(00:20:57):

like,

(00:20:58):

like one of them told me like,

(00:20:59):

they have a new word now.

(00:21:00):

Queer.

(00:21:01):

What even is that?

(00:21:02):

Oh my goodness.

(00:21:03):

Where have you been?

(00:21:04):

You're like six, you're like over 60 years old.

(00:21:07):

And it's like, there's only a man.

(00:21:09):

And they're like literally like pulling out the dictionary.

(00:21:11):

Like, oh my God.

(00:21:13):

The definition of a woman is the definition of a man.

(00:21:17):

It's non-binary in the dictionary.

(00:21:18):

It's like, do you not understand that the dictionary was just created by a room of dudes?

(00:21:23):

Like, are you serious?

(00:21:28):

The straight up acceptance that they have, like they don't question anything.

(00:21:34):

If you tell them that's poisonous, they're like, cool, that's poisonous.

(00:21:38):

Yeah, for sure.

(00:21:38):

It could be the fucking best thing in the world for them.

(00:21:42):

look at how they grew up.

(00:21:43):

They grew up like just basically,

(00:21:44):

first of all,

(00:21:45):

they didn't have the internet and some were like severely abused,

(00:21:49):

honestly.

(00:21:49):

Yeah.

(00:21:50):

Oh, absolutely.

(00:21:51):

Wasn't even taken seriously until like the sixties.

(00:21:54):

I was looking it up recently for a post.

(00:21:56):

And yeah,

(00:21:58):

they they just they were fed it's you know what i think it goes back to is the cold

(00:22:04):

war propaganda like and like constant cold war propaganda teaching them that

(00:22:09):

america was this perfectly righteous nation and that the soviets were these like

(00:22:13):

completely evil degenerate people and like they just have spent their entire lives

(00:22:19):

imagining that they're a part of this like great struggle between light and

(00:22:22):

darkness and

(00:22:24):

Literally, like, look at their politics.

(00:22:26):

Like,

(00:22:26):

after the Soviet Union collapsed,

(00:22:28):

9-11 happens,

(00:22:29):

and for,

(00:22:30):

like,

(00:22:30):

15,

(00:22:31):

even to this day,

(00:22:32):

the obsession with Muslims has not ended.

(00:22:35):

They're obsessed.

(00:22:36):

They always have to.

(00:22:38):

They grew up learning that kind of politics, and that's just how they see the world.

(00:22:42):

Yeah,

(00:22:43):

and it was so confusing to me as a child because,

(00:22:47):

so my dad's parents are definitely more of your,

(00:22:50):

like,

(00:22:50):

typical Southern,

(00:22:53):

like,

(00:22:55):

christian small town type people and my grandmother eventually you know really

(00:23:03):

opened her horizons when horizons whatever uh when her brother finally decided to

(00:23:10):

come out that he was gay and the rest of us have known it for a very long time why

(00:23:17):

else do you take a business trip for three weeks to palm springs every year um

(00:23:26):

my parents knew right away their eyes from what they don't want to look at right

(00:23:30):

right yeah so but my dad he he had no tolerance for racism he had no tolerance for

(00:23:41):

really any kind of discrimination that would happen and both my parents were like

(00:23:45):

that and you know obviously

(00:23:49):

Like you've seen,

(00:23:50):

they've had their issues,

(00:23:52):

but in the fundamentals,

(00:23:54):

you know,

(00:23:55):

that kind of stuff,

(00:23:55):

they grew up seeing some really horrible things.

(00:23:58):

You know,

(00:23:58):

my dad watched the captain of the football team at his school have multiple crosses

(00:24:05):

burned on his yard because he asked the white girl cheerleader captain to prom.

(00:24:12):

Yeah, that was normal when they were young.

(00:24:16):

Like that was normal.

(00:24:18):

Yeah.

(00:24:19):

And like my parents,

(00:24:20):

so my parents were like kids in the 80s and it was still normal in the Midwest for

(00:24:25):

shit like that to happen.

(00:24:28):

And and then on the other coin,

(00:24:31):

my mom's parents were very progressive,

(00:24:36):

unlike normal people from their generation,

(00:24:39):

for sure.

(00:24:40):

now i will say that they were from canada so that may have skewed some things but

(00:24:46):

you know my grandparents were always they were definitely always left-leaning like

(00:24:52):

always left-leaning always very forward thinking um

(00:24:56):

But there was still things about them that was so boomer-esque and it was the

(00:25:01):

obsession with politics and the obsession with being skinny and just all those

(00:25:09):

random things.

(00:25:09):

And so some of those rubbed off onto my parents.

(00:25:12):

And I think that's probably why I ended up at a church and ended up with all the,

(00:25:18):

I know that's why I ended up with the body dysmorphia issues.

(00:25:22):

um right but it it's it's crazy how like just how those people exist like i don't

(00:25:33):

understand i don't understand they don't reflect on anything i mean they literally

(00:25:39):

they believe they believe completely and sincerely in everything they were told

(00:25:45):

about the world everything they just believe all of it they believe

(00:25:49):

They just, they're, I mean, it's, I don't understand.

(00:25:53):

It's crazy to me.

(00:25:54):

Like they have,

(00:25:56):

some of them have 10 years left alive,

(00:25:59):

Max,

(00:25:59):

and they're literally spending all their time watching cable news.

(00:26:02):

All of it.

(00:26:03):

Right.

(00:26:04):

Like you said, the boomer characteristic, obsessed with politics.

(00:26:09):

Like that's where they can find their, they're just so obsessed with this good versus evil showdown.

(00:26:14):

I know.

(00:26:15):

I know they're on the bad side.

(00:26:16):

Right.

(00:26:19):

Oh, it's, it's interesting.

(00:26:22):

You brought up the topic about how, you know, the dictionary was just written by a bunch of dudes.

(00:26:27):

Well, it's almost the Bible.

(00:26:29):

And I actually, I've started a post.

(00:26:33):

I'm really excited,

(00:26:34):

but I want to do some like serious digging so I can actually like really prove,

(00:26:39):

not prove my point,

(00:26:40):

but get my point across.

(00:26:42):

But this idea has been tumbling around in my head for a few weeks now.

(00:26:46):

Um,

(00:26:48):

You know, I don't think the Bible is actually what people think the Bible is.

(00:26:53):

I think it was a story.

(00:26:55):

It was presented as a story that was created by a bunch of old men that were rich.

(00:27:03):

But basically, it was a story of insanity to prove why you needed to do these things.

(00:27:11):

But all they really are are just things to make life easier, you know, from...

(00:27:18):

gluttony like don't be gluttonous because you'll get diabetes and you'll die young

(00:27:22):

and like they didn't know that's what it was but they knew if you were gluttonous

(00:27:26):

in different areas eventually it would lead to death you know missionary sex well

(00:27:31):

i'm assuming that was actually some kind of health precaution like they're like hey

(00:27:36):

by the way only have sex this way like

(00:27:40):

I think you're 100% right.

(00:27:42):

I love that point.

(00:27:44):

You've got me thinking about the book of Leviticus.

(00:27:46):

Oh, I started spiraling.

(00:27:49):

Leviticus, what a ridiculous book.

(00:27:51):

But then you remember, these people who would have been reading Leviticus 3,000 years ago,

(00:27:57):

didn't know and they they needed they were not just them 3 000 years ago it's the

(00:28:03):

same behavior as people today people want some kind of certainty and in a world

(00:28:07):

where you have no science no real knowledge of what anything is like you don't even

(00:28:12):

know what the sky is you don't even know what the stars are right and then you're

(00:28:17):

given yeah do this yeah follow these rules and don't think about anything else and

(00:28:22):

i think yeah i think that's really appealing in that sense

(00:28:26):

Oh, for sure.

(00:28:27):

And we evolved because of that,

(00:28:32):

I think,

(00:28:33):

to need an intense amount of structure that humans don't actually need.

(00:28:38):

But because it's been imposed on us for so long, we have adapted and feel like we do need that structure.

(00:28:46):

Right.

(00:28:48):

When in reality, we need to create our own structure for our own needs.

(00:28:52):

Yeah.

(00:28:53):

Yeah,

(00:28:54):

we're like,

(00:28:56):

honestly,

(00:28:57):

I don't like evolutionary psychologists very much because a lot of them are like

(00:29:01):

super transphobic on the basis of saying,

(00:29:03):

this is how cavemen lived.

(00:29:06):

But you know, that's like Peterson's whole thing.

(00:29:10):

you know,

(00:29:10):

he's not an evolutionary psychologist,

(00:29:12):

but he's in that same kind of camp of like,

(00:29:15):

I think there was a Substack post about this actually the other day that was in the

(00:29:18):

top posts in culture.

(00:29:20):

I don't remember who wrote it,

(00:29:21):

but it was like about how Jordan Peterson,

(00:29:23):

like he literally says like,

(00:29:25):

well,

(00:29:25):

men have always been in control.

(00:29:27):

That's like his whole position.

(00:29:30):

So gross.

(00:29:31):

it's like the boomer obsession with like um america is the greatest country in the

(00:29:35):

world oh yeah and they don't even they what's crazy about it is like i remember

(00:29:42):

like six years ago my friend it was like right at like my friend's dad trump voter

(00:29:47):

not the friend i've been talking about different friends um was like coming at me

(00:29:51):

on facebook because i had posted some i used to post such crazy on facebook but i

(00:29:56):

had posted something about how america wasn't the greatest country in the world or

(00:30:00):

something

(00:30:02):

and this really triggered a lot of these boomers just saying that so this one is

(00:30:06):

like coming at me in the comments and at no point will he tell me exactly why

(00:30:11):

america is the best country in the world yeah like because they can't articulate it

(00:30:15):

abstract language because that's the cold war propaganda these people were best

(00:30:20):

freedom democracy like they don't like we don't even have a real democracy

(00:30:25):

Yeah, it's so delusional.

(00:30:27):

They've spent their lives looking away from reality.

(00:30:36):

Like look, I come back to the Cold War.

(00:30:39):

I'm gonna write up a post about the Cold War at some point,

(00:30:41):

but like they,

(00:30:42):

the whole fucking Cold War,

(00:30:45):

they believed that America was good and great.

(00:30:48):

And all the while America was supporting dictators.

(00:30:51):

Like look at today, boomers so angry about people coming here from Central America.

(00:30:58):

And if you look, I actually wrote a post about this that's a ways back.

(00:31:02):

Central America, the countries we have fucked and forgotten about.

(00:31:05):

In the 80s,

(00:31:06):

the president completely destroyed Guatemala,

(00:31:10):

El Salvador,

(00:31:11):

Nicaragua,

(00:31:12):

destroyed those countries,

(00:31:14):

sunk them into warfare.

(00:31:16):

Literally,

(00:31:17):

Reagan was funding death squads in El Salvador that were literally completely destroyed,

(00:31:24):

like 5,000 villages.

(00:31:26):

And what happens when the war is over?

(00:31:28):

You've got all these young men everywhere with guns.

(00:31:30):

Who put these young men there with guns?

(00:31:32):

Who funded that?

(00:31:33):

Yeah, we did.

(00:31:35):

We did in the name of what?

(00:31:37):

In the name of freedom, in the name of the glory of America.

(00:31:40):

Yeah.

(00:31:41):

Don't go any further than that.

(00:31:42):

Like they won't look at anything beneath that.

(00:31:45):

No, and it's all so fear-based.

(00:31:47):

Like, all of that was done because of this fear of not being the world police.

(00:31:55):

Like, it's disgusting to me.

(00:31:59):

We are unable to recognize, not we, I feel like pretty much anyone who's younger than 55, you know?

(00:32:08):

Yeah.

(00:32:11):

understands this pipes yeah yeah but like we are actively making ourselves worse

(00:32:21):

and winning doesn't mean we're the best yeah especially when you win through

(00:32:27):

methods of you know control and damage and just straight torture literally torture

(00:32:36):

they've been the amount of people that were tortured for no reason

(00:32:40):

Like, yeah, two million.

(00:32:42):

It's I think it's like what?

(00:32:43):

Two million Iraqis died.

(00:32:46):

And the statistic that the and everything with ISIS.

(00:32:50):

Oh, yeah.

(00:32:52):

Why did ISIS take so much territory?

(00:32:54):

Because the U.S.

(00:32:56):

just decided that it was going to go to Iraq and plunge the entire country into chaos.

(00:33:00):

Yeah.

(00:33:00):

Like.

(00:33:01):

And so that gave them the opportunity to walk right in.

(00:33:04):

Right.

(00:33:04):

Because there's no, there's no government.

(00:33:07):

Like if the government, a gang or a fundamentalist group, basically, like that's what's going to happen.

(00:33:13):

Like somebody's going to take power.

(00:33:15):

And it was literally, um, and yeah,

(00:33:19):

Yeah, just Israel.

(00:33:20):

Think about Palestine.

(00:33:23):

I can't talk about that without getting infuriated because I just don't understand on so many.

(00:33:31):

I literally had to stop listening to NPR because I couldn't handle the news

(00:33:37):

information on,

(00:33:38):

especially because Israel is ruthless with their attacks,

(00:33:42):

like straight ruthless.

(00:33:45):

And the amount of children that are being killed, I can't handle that.

(00:33:50):

I also don't,

(00:33:52):

I don't read the news about Palestine right now because I actually just read this

(00:33:57):

like 600 page history that I really recommend.

(00:34:00):

It's called Enemies and Neighbors.

(00:34:04):

And it's a history of the conflict between Arabs and Jews in time.

(00:34:11):

Okay.

(00:34:11):

He presents, it's very dense and well-researched.

(00:34:17):

He presents the Jewish perspective, or the Israeli Jewish perspective.

(00:34:21):

I don't want to list all Jews.

(00:34:22):

Yeah, fair.

(00:34:24):

He presents the Israeli perspective.

(00:34:27):

He quotes them, their justifications for Zionism.

(00:34:31):

But as you read and you see,

(00:34:34):

Like they would, like these people, these people were completely driven out of their homes.

(00:34:38):

Their property was taken from them.

(00:34:41):

They were people who like literally the line between Palestine and Israel was just

(00:34:45):

drawn one day right through their farm for years.

(00:34:50):

And they just lost their entire livelihood and they lost everything.

(00:34:53):

and they have no citizenship and no- Which is just so fucked.

(00:34:57):

Like it's so fucked up.

(00:34:59):

And what really pissed me off earlier this year is this whole thing they like to say,

(00:35:04):

like this other boomer I know who was like,

(00:35:07):

oh yeah,

(00:35:07):

you know what they say,

(00:35:08):

the pro-Palestine people,

(00:35:10):

they say queers for Palestine.

(00:35:12):

You think queers would have any rights in Palestine?

(00:35:14):

And it's like, how are you talking about the rights of anybody in Palestine?

(00:35:19):

Right?

(00:35:20):

You're completely fine with a situation where any Palestinian teenager can be

(00:35:26):

arbitrarily arrested on the street and locked up in a cell and never charged.

(00:35:31):

You're completely fine with that.

(00:35:33):

For no reason.

(00:35:35):

Israel is a democracy.

(00:35:36):

No, it's not.

(00:35:38):

It's a dictatorship.

(00:35:40):

We come back to this fucking meaningless word that the boomers are obsessed with.

(00:35:44):

Democracy.

(00:35:44):

It's absolutely nothing.

(00:35:47):

I'll never forget the first time I learned what a real democracy was.

(00:35:53):

I was young.

(00:35:56):

And I remember learning about it and just being so angry because that was not what

(00:36:02):

was happening in our country.

(00:36:03):

And I did not understand.

(00:36:05):

And, you know, I think it was obviously after 9-11.

(00:36:08):

And I know...

(00:36:12):

I mean, I know it impacted so many of us in so many different ways.

(00:36:17):

It's, you know, we unfortunately just had one traumatic thing after another happen as kids.

(00:36:23):

And so,

(00:36:25):

but it just,

(00:36:26):

all I can think about every time I would learn something new about American history

(00:36:30):

and American politics,

(00:36:32):

it just made me angry because we're being deceived.

(00:36:36):

Yeah.

(00:36:36):

Yeah.

(00:36:37):

It's all, it's just, it's crazy to think about all the debates right now about teaching history.

(00:36:44):

Oh my God.

(00:36:46):

Here's a story like that I'm also going to write a post about soon.

(00:36:51):

Several years ago,

(00:36:52):

maybe 10 years ago,

(00:36:53):

my friends and I went to Nashville and we went to visit,

(00:36:57):

we went to this plantation museum.

(00:36:59):

It was like on a plantation.

(00:37:00):

You'd think they're going to show,

(00:37:01):

I mean,

(00:37:02):

to me going to a plantation museum should be like going to like a

(00:37:06):

a holocaust museum or like a yes yeah i've been to concentration camps in germany

(00:37:13):

like that was kind of the experience i would think that you would get yeah well not

(00:37:18):

at all there was literally this giant well-preserved house i guess it's privately

(00:37:22):

owned by these people the descendants of the owners there's a bunch of rocking

(00:37:27):

chairs it's all like pristine and white columns up colonial architect like

(00:37:31):

beautiful architecture great white supremacy there's

(00:37:35):

Yeah, it's all white too.

(00:37:37):

All the walls, everything.

(00:37:39):

Of course.

(00:37:40):

And then there's like this,

(00:37:41):

these 12 rocking chairs and those old white people just sitting on the rocking chairs,

(00:37:45):

gazing upon the fields.

(00:37:46):

Like they look so happy.

(00:37:48):

And my friends and I were like, what the fuck is this?

(00:37:50):

And on the tour, this guy, this woman says, doesn't mention any slaves ever, the entire tour, not once.

(00:38:01):

So we asked about the slaves.

(00:38:03):

My friend raised her hand.

(00:38:04):

she's very brave, it was a very large group, but she asked like, what about the slaves?

(00:38:08):

And,

(00:38:09):

you know,

(00:38:09):

we have just spent 10 minutes standing at the bottom of the stairs and right to our,

(00:38:13):

just to the right of us is this painting of this black boy with a horse and the

(00:38:19):

black boy is like taking care of the horse and he's clearly a slave,

(00:38:23):

right?

(00:38:23):

And the only thing that this woman is talking about

(00:38:27):

is how proud this plantation is of its horses.

(00:38:30):

She's like literally pointing at this picture,

(00:38:32):

doesn't say one word about the human being in it and talks on and on and on about

(00:38:37):

how this horse was one of our finest horses.

(00:38:39):

And there's this many Kentucky Derby winners descended from this horse and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

(00:38:45):

And then when she was asked about the slaves,

(00:38:47):

she said,

(00:38:48):

actually the enslaved people,

(00:38:50):

I do think that that's something we should say,

(00:38:52):

because I feel like it's just a better thing to say than defining someone as a slave.

(00:38:56):

When she starts talking about the enslaved people,

(00:38:58):

she says,

(00:39:00):

yeah,

(00:39:01):

after they were actually really happy here.

(00:39:03):

In fact, we had some programs to teach them how to read.

(00:39:05):

And after the civil war,

(00:39:08):

some of them even asked to stay on and the owners were happy to hire them back on.

(00:39:12):

It was insane.

(00:39:13):

And then there's these cabins where the enslaved people slept and you go into these cabins,

(00:39:18):

it's not on the tour.

(00:39:19):

You have to walk off away from the house.

(00:39:23):

And it's an exhibit inside the cabin created by a bunch of white fifth graders

(00:39:28):

about what a glamorous life these enslaved people had in this cabin and how they

(00:39:32):

learned and how they had a school and how this plantation was so much better than

(00:39:36):

the other ones.

(00:39:38):

Fucking insane is that?

(00:39:40):

And these same people grow up and they're like, oh my God, you're not teaching history.

(00:39:44):

You're teaching propaganda.

(00:39:47):

And finally I understood how is it the case that there can be a plantation museum

(00:39:51):

in Tennessee and it's not like going to a concentration camp.

(00:39:55):

This is what they believe.

(00:39:56):

They think that America was this wonderful place in the 18 fucking 50s.

(00:40:00):

They literally believe that.

(00:40:01):

They're like sitting in their rocking chairs,

(00:40:03):

gazing upon the plantation,

(00:40:05):

just fantasizing that they're plantation owners,

(00:40:08):

I guess.

(00:40:08):

I mean, fuck.

(00:40:12):

We literally didn't even have like...

(00:40:15):

hygiene rules for surgery until almost 1890.

(00:40:19):

So like the fact that there's so much romanticism about that time period is just

(00:40:26):

mind boggling to me because it was not advanced.

(00:40:30):

It was not better.

(00:40:31):

It was not easier.

(00:40:33):

It was not healthier.

(00:40:35):

It was miserable.

(00:40:36):

Even if you were one of the fucking plantation owners,

(00:40:39):

chances are most of your kids were gonna die when they were six months old.

(00:40:43):

I know.

(00:40:43):

Like, how could you want to go back to that time where even at the absolute maximum point of privilege,

(00:40:51):

you're basically compared to art compared to now just like dirt poor like it's so

(00:40:59):

but they love it they romanticize it and they're just convinced america like you

(00:41:03):

were talking about like when when your parents were growing up it's just completely

(00:41:07):

normal these awful things to happen it's like in detroit like around which i grew

(00:41:11):

up i always learned from the boomers

(00:41:15):

You know,

(00:41:15):

in the sixties,

(00:41:16):

basically this is what they say in the sixties,

(00:41:18):

all the black people went crazy and the white people had to leave and they started rioting.

(00:41:21):

And then there's this book,

(00:41:23):

the origins of the urban crisis about history from the thirties to the sixties.

(00:41:28):

It's like another one of those books like enemies and neighbors that really changed how I saw history.

(00:41:34):

What's it called again?

(00:41:35):

Sorry.

(00:41:35):

I have family from Detroit.

(00:41:38):

And that's where my grandparents lived once they moved to the States.

(00:41:45):

So what's that book called again?

(00:41:47):

It's called Origins of the Urban Crisis.

(00:41:50):

And it basically goes from the great migration from the South to around Detroit and

(00:41:56):

other cities through to the ultimate decline of Detroit in the 60s and 70s when

(00:42:01):

people started moving out.

(00:42:02):

And it shows you how as Black people were moving up from the South,

(00:42:08):

the white people in Detroit did everything they could to basically keep them out of

(00:42:11):

their neighborhoods,

(00:42:12):

keep them out of their unions,

(00:42:14):

keep them in the lower paying jobs.

(00:42:16):

And Detroit was just as segregated as a lot of Southern cities.

(00:42:22):

In fact, they even at one point built a literal wall to separate two parts of the city.

(00:42:29):

And in the urban development projects in the 50s,

(00:42:33):

there's this highway in the middle of Detroit,

(00:42:35):

I think 375 maybe,

(00:42:36):

or 275,

(00:42:36):

I don't remember.

(00:42:40):

Basically, it dumps off 75.

(00:42:42):

The only purpose of this highway is so that,

(00:42:44):

you know,

(00:42:45):

people coming from the suburbs who don't want to live in Detroit because they all

(00:42:48):

left once black people started demanding houses.

(00:42:53):

They get to drive into the city on the highway.

(00:42:55):

And so they literally in the 50s destroyed this neighborhood called Black Bottom,

(00:42:59):

which was like this,

(00:43:00):

like.

(00:43:02):

cultural beacon in Black Detroit.

(00:43:04):

And they just took all of it,

(00:43:07):

the government,

(00:43:08):

you know,

(00:43:08):

eminent domain it and destroyed it all and built this highway.

(00:43:13):

And it's still there.

(00:43:14):

It's still like that's still the structure.

(00:43:16):

And I realized this isn't like this.

(00:43:20):

Detroit doesn't exist like it does because of some natural order.

(00:43:25):

These white people literally didn't want to live with black people.

(00:43:30):

If a black person were to move into a white neighborhood,

(00:43:33):

they would often get their house literally fire bombed.

(00:43:36):

And they lived in terror.

(00:43:38):

And these real estate agents consorted to keep black people out of white neighborhoods.

(00:43:44):

And once they couldn't hold it back anymore because of Supreme Court decisions and

(00:43:47):

changes in the law,

(00:43:48):

the white people just fucking left.

(00:43:50):

There's another book about this called White Flight, and it's kind of the same thing, but about Atlanta.

(00:43:56):

I think I've heard about that before, but...

(00:44:00):

You're giving me so much good stuff to read that's not sex, health, or smut.

(00:44:05):

Like, I'm so excited.

(00:44:07):

Well, don't stop reading smut.

(00:44:10):

So I don't even need it anymore.

(00:44:11):

I really only read it to disassociate and try to, like, hype myself up to have sex with my ex-husband.

(00:44:18):

I don't need that anymore.

(00:44:20):

Okay, sweet.

(00:44:22):

So you're ready for, like, a new era.

(00:44:25):

Oh, I really am.

(00:44:27):

It was funny because Noor Nadar asked me, he was like, what was your favorite method of dissociation?

(00:44:33):

And I told him,

(00:44:34):

I was like,

(00:44:34):

before I started smoking weed,

(00:44:36):

it was smart because I could completely disappear into one of those books in the bathtub.

(00:44:40):

I'd spend two hours in the bathtub devouring a book.

(00:44:44):

That is literally what, I hope you'll read my post I put up last night about Phoebe Bridgers.

(00:44:49):

Oh, I'm definitely going to read it because I'm so excited now.

(00:44:52):

It's my favorite thing I've ever created.

(00:44:54):

I'm honestly so happy with it.

(00:44:55):

But that is what Phoebe Bridgers was for me.

(00:44:58):

Like, I don't have to listen to Phoebe Bridgers anymore.

(00:45:00):

I realize,

(00:45:01):

or I still listen to her,

(00:45:02):

but I don't have to listen to her music like so frantically because it kind of

(00:45:06):

served a similar function of like putting me in touch with my true inner self.

(00:45:10):

Yeah.

(00:45:10):

It wasn't smile.

(00:45:12):

It was putting myself with my spiritual self.

(00:45:17):

Now I don't need to disappear into headphones to be in touch with my spiritual self

(00:45:20):

because I'm out so I can just be in touch with my spiritual self.

(00:45:24):

Oh, that's such a beautiful thing.

(00:45:27):

I hate that there is still so much negativity out there and surrounding you right now.

(00:45:33):

That just breaks my fucking heart because you deserve to have people who always

(00:45:37):

support you for your entire life.

(00:45:39):

And I know your son will.

(00:45:42):

You're showing your son genuine, true authenticity and

(00:45:49):

my just watching my girls and seeing how free they feel to be themselves like i

(00:45:56):

can't wait for you to see that when your son gets older because it only gets more

(00:46:01):

fun and i know he's never gonna be afraid to be himself because i'm modeling for

(00:46:06):

him how to be yourself i do want to say one more thing about people in my life

(00:46:12):

I haven't talked so positively, but there are a lot of friends in my life who have supported me.

(00:46:18):

If any of them listen to this, I don't want them to think that I'm like ignoring them.

(00:46:21):

I have a lot of friends who have been there for me.

(00:46:25):

You make a really good point and I'm glad you brought that up because I too often

(00:46:29):

don't talk about the people who were there for me in those really,

(00:46:32):

really awful times.

(00:46:34):

And in my book, it's funny because in my book I do.

(00:46:38):

Yeah.

(00:46:38):

Yeah.

(00:46:39):

It's actually dedicated to a group of girls.

(00:46:42):

One of the dedications to a group of girls that we're,

(00:46:48):

my sanity i mean they kept me alive during that time i don't think i would have i

(00:46:53):

honestly think i probably would have killed myself had it not been for them because

(00:46:57):

in the in the in between between lily dying and getting pregnant with lucy i was

(00:47:04):

miserable purposeless my soul was empty

(00:47:08):

If you look at pictures from me during that time, my eyes are dead, dead.

(00:47:12):

They're dead until recently, but they're dead, dead in those pictures.

(00:47:16):

I can't even imagine.

(00:47:17):

I'm so sorry.

(00:47:18):

I mean, having this on myself, I can't even.

(00:47:22):

I've read your posts about that whole thing.

(00:47:24):

That's brave of you to read it.

(00:47:26):

Thank you.

(00:47:26):

Because it's hard.

(00:47:28):

I know as someone who has a living child that just thinking about those things is awful.

(00:47:32):

I...

(00:47:34):

I constantly have these horrible, gruesome images of what could happen if I'm not careful, you know?

(00:47:39):

It's like, so.

(00:47:42):

I wish I could say those would end.

(00:47:45):

I don't think, no.

(00:47:47):

No,

(00:47:48):

and I think,

(00:47:48):

I honestly think my parents probably still have those fears even with their adult children.

(00:47:53):

Yeah.

(00:47:54):

I think, yeah, for sure.

(00:47:57):

You imagine your kid out there.

(00:47:58):

I mean, yeah, Silas is 30 and I'm like,

(00:48:02):

you know, whatever, I'm not gonna, I'm still gonna be like, oh, I am terrified.

(00:48:08):

You know, I could be like 65, like pulled up and crippled somewhere.

(00:48:12):

He's out exploring the world, you know, in some completely normal country or safe country rather.

(00:48:17):

And I'm thinking, oh my God, he's gonna die, he's gonna get killed.

(00:48:21):

I'm sure that's what's going to happen.

(00:48:25):

Yeah,

(00:48:26):

I,

(00:48:26):

about six months ago,

(00:48:27):

out of nowhere,

(00:48:29):

my daughter has been able to bathe by herself for a very long time.

(00:48:32):

Out of nowhere, I was like, oh my God, I can't leave her unattended.

(00:48:34):

She could drown.

(00:48:35):

Yeah.

(00:48:37):

It's just random shit like that.

(00:48:39):

I could not handle that anxiety on top of the social anxiety.

(00:48:45):

I just, come on, I need to choose.

(00:48:47):

Just keep one of them, please.

(00:48:48):

Oh, yeah.

(00:48:52):

The last five years,

(00:48:55):

I think I finally eliminated a good majority of my social anxiety about two years

(00:49:00):

ago when I switched my meds.

(00:49:03):

But it

(00:49:05):

it's still a work in progress because like, I didn't know who I was.

(00:49:07):

I didn't know who Taylor was.

(00:49:09):

And I had no idea where to even fucking begin to figure that out.

(00:49:13):

Like, I wish there was some kind of like guidebook for that.

(00:49:18):

I feel like that's like medication is done for me.

(00:49:21):

It's like,

(00:49:22):

it kind of just mellows you out for a bit.

(00:49:25):

But eventually,

(00:49:26):

if you're not addressing the real source of your social anxiety,

(00:49:30):

you just get a need to up your dose,

(00:49:32):

which is what I was doing.

(00:49:34):

And it works.

(00:49:35):

You up your dose, you feel fine.

(00:49:37):

But if your thought patterns themselves are just wrong and you're like, yeah, I had that.

(00:49:46):

That's why like being myself,

(00:49:48):

I feel like I've been able to like step away from that social anxiety because.

(00:49:53):

Yeah.

(00:49:54):

you know, you don't have to have those.

(00:49:57):

You're just, yeah, I like myself.

(00:49:58):

And I feel like when I see someone who looks at me like I'm a freak or something.

(00:50:02):

You're like, okay, whatever.

(00:50:03):

I don't need,

(00:50:06):

I'm not going to try to make this person like me because what am I going to get out

(00:50:10):

of this relationship?

(00:50:10):

Yeah, exactly, exactly.

(00:50:14):

Yeah,

(00:50:15):

I,

(00:50:15):

it's funny because I will intentionally wear things that'll make people

(00:50:20):

uncomfortable if I'm going into a situation where the people that

(00:50:24):

could be made uncomfortable.

(00:50:25):

I don't know.

(00:50:27):

Have you actually seen my rainbow glasses?

(00:50:29):

I don't think I have.

(00:50:31):

You have a wide variety of glasses.

(00:50:34):

I watched one of your video posts where you were like in your car wearing your heart glasses.

(00:50:38):

Yes, I have three pairs of heart glasses.

(00:50:41):

That's like perfect.

(00:50:44):

It was so funny because I was like, oh my God, I love your glasses.

(00:50:47):

I need to know where they got them.

(00:50:49):

Mine?

(00:50:50):

Yeah, yours.

(00:50:51):

Or Warby Parker, actually.

(00:50:53):

I love Warby, yep, yep.

(00:50:54):

Yeah, I love them.

(00:50:55):

Like, they're, like, this transparent pink, and it's perfect.

(00:50:59):

I know.

(00:51:00):

Yeah,

(00:51:01):

it's,

(00:51:01):

like,

(00:51:01):

my favorite color,

(00:51:02):

but,

(00:51:02):

like,

(00:51:03):

the transparent,

(00:51:03):

if it was,

(00:51:03):

like,

(00:51:04):

a solid pink,

(00:51:05):

now it,

(00:51:05):

like,

(00:51:05):

matches with everything,

(00:51:07):

you know?

(00:51:07):

Yeah, yep, yeah.

(00:51:11):

Oh,

(00:51:11):

it totally does,

(00:51:11):

though,

(00:51:12):

because I have a pair like that,

(00:51:13):

and I have a pair that's,

(00:51:14):

like,

(00:51:14):

clear,

(00:51:14):

clear.

(00:51:15):

That's the pair that I wear, like,

(00:51:16):

if I've got a ton of makeup on, I'm like, you gotta be able to see all of this.

(00:51:20):

Cause some of my glasses block everything.

(00:51:22):

I'm so excited to join you on this path of just accumulating various glasses.

(00:51:28):

I feel like I was always like when I was like pretending to be a man,

(00:51:32):

I was like always like buying like black glasses or brown glasses.

(00:51:36):

But I don't want purple.

(00:51:37):

I want yellow.

(00:51:38):

I want pink.

(00:51:39):

I want, you know.

(00:51:40):

Oh, my God.

(00:51:42):

Get ready.

(00:51:42):

I'm going to start fucking spamming you because I literally had to ask my best friend the other day.

(00:51:50):

I was like, please tell me if this is a purchase I should make.

(00:51:54):

It was between a pair of glasses and something else.

(00:51:57):

And she was like, Taylor, that's three times more than the other thing you want to buy.

(00:52:01):

And you already have eight pairs of glasses.

(00:52:05):

I don't think that's enough.

(00:52:09):

I'm like, I have these red ones with cheetah.

(00:52:12):

I have pink and turquoise floral.

(00:52:15):

And then I have a pink and turquoise regular pair.

(00:52:19):

And then I have a black pair and a purple pair and a rainbow pair and a clear pair and the pink hearts.

(00:52:27):

I love turquoise.

(00:52:29):

I have a turquoise beady that I love.

(00:52:31):

I want to get turquoise glasses.

(00:52:33):

I want to like, I've got like some turquoise, like some shoes that have some turquoise.

(00:52:36):

Yeah.

(00:52:37):

Oh, you could totally.

(00:52:38):

Shoes.

(00:52:39):

Oh my God.

(00:52:40):

I like used to wonder how is it that a woman could own so many shoes, but now I get it.

(00:52:47):

I want more shoes now.

(00:52:49):

You know what I mean?

(00:52:50):

Like I don't have enough shoes.

(00:52:51):

I only have like four shoes.

(00:52:53):

Oh, you don't have enough.

(00:52:54):

You need much more.

(00:52:56):

I need more.

(00:52:59):

My favorite place to get shoes is Rack Room because like they have like high

(00:53:03):

quality shoes for super cheap.

(00:53:06):

I will check that out.

(00:53:07):

Yeah.

(00:53:08):

Rack Room.

(00:53:09):

Yeah.

(00:53:10):

It's Nordstrom's.

(00:53:11):

Oh, okay.

(00:53:13):

I think I know what you're talking about.

(00:53:15):

Yeah.

(00:53:16):

And the only reason why I started shopping there is because they gave my nonprofit a grant.

(00:53:20):

Oh, well.

(00:53:22):

And they actually have pretty good philanthropy programs.

(00:53:25):

So I was like, okay, you're not a horrible company.

(00:53:27):

Yeah.

(00:53:28):

So yeah, I'll buy some.

(00:53:31):

Yes.

(00:53:32):

Yes.

(00:53:32):

Okay.

(00:53:33):

We are about at the end of our time.

(00:53:35):

Is there anything else you wanted to share or want people to know or anything like

(00:53:40):

that or any other questions you wanted to talk about?

(00:53:44):

No, I really enjoyed this.

(00:53:46):

Anyone listening, please check out my blog, snowflakeangelbutterfly.substack.com.

(00:53:53):

And I'll make sure that's in there.

(00:53:55):

If you really want to understand me, just read my post about Phoebe Bridgers.

(00:53:59):

It's pinned to the top.

(00:54:01):

You should read all of their posts because all of them are great.

(00:54:06):

I really appreciate that.

(00:54:07):

I feel the same way about you.

(00:54:08):

I'm still not finished with all your posts.

(00:54:10):

There's a lot, so I apologize.

(00:54:14):

A lot of them, most of them are like, you know, quick reads.

(00:54:17):

That's good.

(00:54:18):

I try not to... I have a really short attention span, so...

(00:54:22):

I try to remember that when I'm writing, but every now and then you get a lengthy one.

(00:54:27):

And then they're like nine to 10 minutes.

(00:54:30):

It's like nowhere to be.

(00:54:32):

I always have to, anything I post is like half the length of what I originally wrote.

(00:54:36):

Cause when I'm just writing, I'm just like, whatever.

(00:54:38):

Just like 15 different impressions.

(00:54:45):

All right, guys.

(00:54:46):

Well, that is the end of today's episode of the Curiosity Chronicles.

(00:54:51):

Thank you so much, Andrew, for joining us today.

(00:54:54):

And please, please, please go check out Snowflake Angel Butterfly on Substack.

(00:54:58):

And I will make sure that it is in the notes.

(00:55:02):

All right.

(00:55:02):

Have a good day, guys.

(00:55:04):

Bye-bye.

(00:55:04):

Have a good day.

Discussion about this podcast

The Chaos Chronicles with Taylor Cecelia Brook
The Curiosity Chronicles
Hi, I'm Taylorโ€”writer, chaos creator and tamer, Master Unfucker, and your guide through the tangled web of life's beautiful messes. Join me while I write and talk about everything real & raw in my life and on a journey of empowerment, laughter, and maybe a little spice.