The perfection trap in real life

Why. Just fucking why.

I used to have way less of an issue with perfectionism. Until I started working for a particular non-profit. Mind you, I had already started my nonprofit this point, I had already graduated from college, and like I was top of my class it both my high school and college careers. Especially in writing, like that has always been my number one thing. I know I do write fast, so there are times where I make typos but that's what fucking editing is for!!!!!!!

But, like before I started working this nonprofit, I don't think I questioned myself so much until I was essentially mentally poisoned and brainwashed by the individual that I worked for. If it was not perfect, it could not be released, and that was under the guise of prudence, which it was just impossible. They set out standards that were impossible, absolutely impossible to reach.

So spending two and a half years at this non-profit organization just really fucked with my head because it caused me to question everything that I put out there. So even after I left it caused me to question everything I did with my non-profit. What's crazy is up until I started working for this non-profit, my nonprofit Lily's List was extremely successful. It was doing extremely well with me putting things out there exactly the way I was, who I was, and I wasn't trying to follow all these other fucking rules that this person had put in place. They don't even exist!!! They're not even real!!!!!!!

Micro digression

although rules really aren't real… they're just things that people make up. It’s like how time isn’t really real either. It’s all a construct.

So you know,

anyway, the minute I started questioning everything, was the minute my particular nonprofit started not doing as well, and that was when I started struggling because I questioned everything, literally everything.

I stopped trusting myself and it sucks that I let myself get so brainwashed but I legitimately thought this person was so fucking smart in their field. I thought this person was one of the top of the top Executives within the nonprofit World… well guess what? They weren't even fucking close to that, not even fucking close.

I'm so disappointed with how it all turned out to be and everything that happened but I will say that it was a genuine learning experience for me. Here we are, you know 3 years later from leaving that company, that nonprofit, and I'm just now finally allowing myself to release things that are not perfect.

Because guess what? You can't, it's not possible , it's literally not fucking possible to do that. Perfection is an illusion, it's not a real thing. Like you cannot see, it it will not ever happen, and it will never exist.

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What prompted this whole download is I'm listening to week seven of the artist way and it's all about fucking perfectionism. And you know I've read the Perfection trap. And yeah , I've definitely struggled with perfectionism my whole life. It is definitely something that like I've had to deal with, but nowhere near at the level as it was once I started working for this individual. The amount of brainwashing that happened and like if it wasn't perfect, I was scolded, and I was told to fix it, and fix it, and fix it, and fix it. Like if there was a single typo, a single fucking typo; five different people came at me, because I was the one running social media.

DIGRESSION TRAIN

I was the one running social media, now mind you I have zero social media training. It was all just fucking shit I figured out on my own. I did not have any like formal education background in graphic design, social media marketing, marketing content, marketing strategy, none of it. I was just flying by the seat of my pants and learning as I fucking went. I thought that was really fucked, but they would get so pissed at me for all these things when it wasn't even why I was hired to begin with! Nor was it my area of knowledge! No not at all.

IT WAS FUCKED

Moving onnnnn

It was so so fucking irritating to be told that I wasn't nearly as smart as everybody else because I didn't go to the same college that she went to and that I didn't learn the same stuff because her college was a little bit more elite than mine. But bitch, I got a fucking “perfect” score on my SATs. I got a fucking “perfect” score on my dissertation and my thesis. Did she do that? No no she didn't. Did she graduate college in 3 years? No no she didn't. I did though and I'm fucking proud of that and it's so fucking silly that this 45-year-old woman felt so so threatened by my intelligence, by my skills, that she had to come after me for it and it wasn't just her.

There was two of them who did this and the best part was is the second one was not smart! But she thought she was. She wasn't smart at all and that really made me mad. I'm not saying you need to be smart, but if you're going to come at me for not being smart enough, you can't fucking do that, that's not how this fucking works. I have no problem admitting that I am not the smartest person out, there I have no problem admitting that I will not know everything, that's literally impossible. I don't think I want that much stuff taking up that much space in my brain lol. anyway like I don't need to understand relative theory or whatever all that shit in science is called; I don't need to know that, but I am smart and I do know that and I will not tolerate someone trying to tell me that I'm not smart because I made a fucking typo where I didn't capitalize a letter.

Any, I guess my point here is that we ask humans, really need to not pay attention to anyone but ourselves. That's all.

Thank you for reading my rant!

Much Love,

Taylor Cecelia Brook