Unfucking My Future

and the chronicles of the past

I wrote this post over a year ago. It posted sometime in May last year, but I had written it months before I actually posted it.

A year later, it’s beautiful to read it and see just how far I’ve come. The person I have grown to be, and the relationship I have (even if it started as a “sneaky link”); all are testaments to how right I was. Taking the shitty leaps I took, still led me to finally trusting my gut. And while I sadly hurt people in the process, I’m now so far on the other side and I am beaming across to the other side, watching the bridges that I burned finally die down and just become one with the earth.

All this to say, trust your fucking gut. And if you don’t know what that feels like, take a page from my book and listen to that slightly crazy bitch in your head that’s telling you it’s time to do something.

Please enjoy the chronicles of past Taylor.

“Embracing The Unknown

May 28 2023

Life has a funny way of throwing unexpected challenges our way, and for me, the journey of being a "divorcee" is one I never anticipated. As I embark on this new chapter of my life, I find solace in the familiar pages of my journal, something that I visit rarely, where I once poured out my emotions when my daughter Lily was born. Little did I know that this journal would become my trusted companion once again, serving as a reminder and a tool to navigate the difficult path ahead. In this blog post, I'll share my honest reflections and emotions, acknowledging the fear, confusion, and longing that accompany this transformative journey.

When I first started writing in this journal, I was overwhelmed by anger, fear, and profound sadness. Now, as I face the end of my marriage, those same emotions resurface. It's a tumultuous time, where the familiarity of the past collides with the uncertainty of the future. I have to constantly remind myself that it's okay to feel terrified, to miss the comfort of a partner, and to long for the life you once knew. Embracing these emotions is an essential part of the healing process. Even if I hate it.

Missing my ex and the life we shared doesn't invalidate my decision. It's natural to grieve the loss of a familiar routine, the joy of seeing my child every day, and the comfort of my old house. I have to acknowledge these feelings, for they represent the connection I once had. But also remembering, missing someone doesn't necessarily mean you want them back. It's a testament to the depth of your shared history. This particular task of remembering these things is a balance while learning how to feel everything.

Divorce often brings with it an identity crisis. I have questioned who I am and wondered how the fuck do I navigate this. I have learned that it's essential to recognize that divorce doesn't define you. You are not your failed marriage. Instead, I am working on viewing this as an opportunity to rediscover myself, my passions, and my dreams. I am going to embrace the unknown with curiosity, for it holds the potential for personal growth and self-discovery.

There are moments when the weight of the responsibilities becomes overwhelming. The desire for an easier life, free from the burden of multiple jobs and shared parenting, is normal. I know that it's human nature to crave simplicity and yearn for a life untouched by trauma. But I have to remember, wisdom and strength often emerge from adversity. My experiences have shaped me into the resilient person I am today.

The realization that my life was not as it seemed was a painful awakening. It's normal to question why you miss someone you were no longer attracted to, and it's a reminder of the depth of your shared history. Embrace this awakening as an opportunity for personal growth. Use it to redefine your priorities, values, and aspirations. It's never too late to learn and evolve.

As I embark on this new journey as a divorcee, I recognize the rollercoaster of emotions that lies ahead. My journal serves as a testament to my strength and resilience, reminding me of the hurdles I have overcome in the past. While the road may be uncertain, I will face it with courage and determination. I will allow myself to mourn the loss while embracing the opportunity for self-discovery and growth. Together, let us navigate the complexities of life after divorce, and emerge stronger, wiser, and ready to embrace the unknown.

All my Love,
Taylor”